RIP - Ms. Flynn

My mother-in-law passed away last night. She was in mid-stages of alzheimers and has had lung/breathing/heart issues for the last few years which have gotten progressively worse. Trips to the hospital went from yearly to biannually to quarterly. she was in the icu twice earlier this year ... I did not think she would come out either time. Due to these last couple of health drops she was moved from her ALF to a nursing care facility. It was the correct thing to do. A month and a half later, she goes to sleep and never wakes up. My wife and daughters did spend time with her for a typical, casual visit a couple of days ago. Glad they did.

It was not unexpected. But it was not expected to be last night, either. Told our kids this morning after breakfast and each of our two girls handled the news as I would expect for their differing personalities. Flynn, as you might expect, did not react (or even pay attention) at all ... until her middle sister cried. As sweet Flynn would typically do, he wanted to console his sister. Pure sweet love and innocence. Was a touching moment for me at his genuineness and pureness.

Took them to school a little late and of course that threw Flynn off schedule. As parents of an ASD kid know - that is often a recipe for failure. His class was practicing for - wait for it - grandparents day tomorrow. gotta love irony. Well Flynn completely fell to pieces. I assumed because of the morning routine being messed up, the kids singing (loudly and poorly) in the echoing auditorium, being the center of attention (which he hates) and other things. I realized that I needed to get out of the way so the teachers could get him on task.

But ... as i was leaving, the kids started to sing their next song. something along the lines of "today is grandparents day" ... or some such thing ... then it dawned on me! did Flynn really, actually GET what was going on ... did he realize that his Mimi did pass away ... did he understand that his grandmother was not going to be there for "Grandpals" day ... he surprises us from time to time at what he absorbs ... did he absorb the bad news and the reality that he won't have a grandparent there tomorrow?

my heart skipped, lump in my throat ... I will most definitely love on my son tonight with extra care. Just in case he is struggling to express his sadness from the mind of a slightly verbal 6 y/o with autism...

"borrowed" information and bloggersphere travels

i have killed some work time today ... in this economy who needs to be looking for productive new projects to work on! pffff ... lets just spend today being counterproductive and going broke!

naw, as the below post indicates, i have bounced around some blogs today. i have also posted on a handful of other folks blogs. i have never done that until today. it was fun and i enjoyed seeing some others' thoughts. i grabbed this cnn article from one ...

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/05/19/autism.divorce.rates/index.html

i was glad to read that about 6 months ago and was glad to read it again today. the business of the blogger i got that from can be found here:

http://www.nationalautismresources.com/

thought i would pass it along. looks interesting and will spend a little time poking around on it later ... because now i need to get back to work. my employees will be disappointed if i dont send some bills out (so i can pay them) and get some new work in (so i can pay them)!

good grief - cancer

i just fumbled around the blogger.com world. i kept hitting the next blog button. i swear out of the 20 or so sites i visited, 14-15 were regarding cancer. it may be the afflicted, the spouse, the kids or friends, but it was cancer, cancer, cancer.

Edit: I think they have used key words to have the "next blog" be those that relate to your own ... ala google/facebook (isnt blogger.com a google thing?)

my heart goes out to all of those who have dealt with the world altering, earth shaking issue of cancer. so much difficulty. so much adversity. so many people showing fighting spirit and looking for silver linings. lots of soul searching and positivity amongst the challanges. who has not been affected by cancer? i personally have had both grandfathers die of cancer, father-in-law passed away ... however many, many more who are cancer survivors - sister-in-law, uncle and lord knows how many friends and acquaintances ...

funny enough 3 blogs were about surfing ...
one was scary and i did not even stop to see what the subject was ...
one was an attorneys blog about ... being an attorney and recommended legal books to read - i passed on this site also.

i may have to do this 20 blog blitzkrieg again. that was heartwarming and interesting ...

"For the chance that maybe we'll find better days!"

Poignant song considering the events of the last couple of days. Has been a very reflective time in our house. The demons, the obstacles, the difficulties ... they seem to pile up and pile up. Compartmentalization only helps so much. How healthy is it to try and simply be ignorant to the hardships. ignore them. hope they go away. let them bounce off - but they never trully bounce off. they always make some dents. at some point all of the dents become injuries. you have to address the injuries. slowly the family options are being reduced. at some point decisions have to be made and reality will break through the ignorance and indifference. decisions are harder than they used to be. it used to be picking between good options was difficult. now the options are not good and they really are more like leftovers instead of options. but regardless, time marches on and reality will park itself at my footsteps. family and autism are the priorities. self is not. what do i do...

"Better Days" by the Goo Goo Dolls.

Lyrics:
And you asked me what I want this year
and I try to make this kind and clear
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
'cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and designer love and empty things
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I need some place simple where we could live
and something only you can give
and that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive
and the one poor child who saved this world
and there's ten million more who probably could
if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
and somehow stop this endless fight
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

Innocence Lost - The Siblings

I "stole" the following blog from a better writer than me. How poignant this mom is that she can put this level of emotion into words. I have added "a diary of a mom" in my links on the right. She is worth reading and following.

Innocence lost – The Siblings
March 22, 2012


Their innocence lost, they had to be braver and more generous than children should have to be. ~ Eustacia Cutler, speaking of her other children – Temple’s siblings.

My heart is breaking.
It’s too much tonight.
These kids – these amazing little people – carry the weight of the world on their far too fragile shoulders.
They live in a world that we all lament is too slow to evolve. Yet they have sped past it at lightening speed – self-actualizing like a trick of time-lapse photography – Behold! Before our very eyes the caterpillar, the chrysalis, the butterfly – all in the blink of an eye because they live a life that demands that they have wings.
But sometimes the weight – the weight of this fast tracked evolution is just too damned much.
These babies are pushed into a wisdom so far beyond their years. We demand from them – and they continually surprise us with – a spiritual maturity and depth of understanding that leaves their peers standing in the dust on the playground. And while we celebrate their maturity – An old soul! A tiny sage! Oh, how grown-up you are! – we’ve handed them the double-edged sword of insight – that which makes the plodding emotional development of their peers a frustrating and terribly unfunny joke.
An understanding of human nature that forces their eyes to see in stark relief the cruelty that passes for interaction between children their own age. An integrity that forces them to stand against injustice where they find it – and don’t they find it everywhere? And don’t we? We, the people who have walked this path with their siblings, who blinked and winced against the blinding light that came upon us in a flash and forced us to see – to really, truly, painfully see – how we treat one another.
And as hard as it was to come to terms with our new lives under that light, we came armed with the accumulated tools of a lifetime. With some measure – albeit dramatically varied among us, but nonetheless at least some collected measure – of finesse with which to face the cruelty that we could no longer not see. And along with the finesse, the luxury of choosing with whom we will engage and when we will, Gambler style, know when to walk away.
But our kids – these siblings who see so much, understand so much, who have hearts eight times the size of their fear – they have no tools. They stand unarmed before a world of children that would chew them up and spit them out by lunch-time if it might get them closer to the cool kids’ table at lunch.
Fifth-grade girls try on different personalities like they’re changing their clothes. But our kids, our beautiful, wise, precious kids see through the flimsy facade. And they search and they search for any shred of integrity because they’ve learned – just as we have – that what’s REAL is all that matters. And they lean into friendships, diving deep, fumbling to find what lies beneath the facade. They give their hearts the only way they know how – in full. And when those hearts are carelessly tossed aside they crumble the only way they know how – completely. Because what we give so too we stand to lose. And practiced as they may be as defender – and no matter the relish or reluctance with which they play the role, they know it by heart – they have no defense left for themselves.
Because they know too much. They know that barbs disguised as jokes aren’t funny. They know that insecurity fashioned into ammunition hurts. They know that careless words leave indelible marks.
And with a sense of right and wrong so deeply entrenched as to be inescapable, they walk out into the world brandishing their pistol at the first sign of unfairness, injustice – their fingers itchy to pull the trigger. But the gun shoots blanks.
And in the middle of it all is the desperate fight to stay under the radar – not to draw attention because by God isn’t it enough that they live under the unbearably unpredictable spotlight of Oh My God This Is So Embarrassing – and yet – and yet! – every bit of their desperate desire for anonymity fights with their even more desperate need for attention. Because we all need attention. And there is never enough to go around.
And they leave the minefield at home and run headlong every day into a landscape dotted with overt and hidden perils. A land, where just as we do, they see it all. Because they, like us, can’t help but see vulnerability. They sniff it out like bloodhounds and attach to it because it’s what they know – and guarding it from danger is the role they play. And because their hearts are stretched so far beyond the boundaries of their precious youth, they feel so deeply the sting of knowing that each and every human being matters and each and every human being feels and thinks and sees and smells and knows what’s being said about and around and above and through them and they know – just as WE know that each and every boy is some other mother’s son and each and every girl is another mother’s daughter – that so too each might be loved by a sibling.
And by God, how would they want someone else to act in their shoes, on their behalf should it be their sibling who is being hurt by careless words and not-so-harmless harmless pranks? And always, always they take the perspective of the other because how often – how often? – do we tell them, show them, demand of them, that they must?
And where are THEY in all of this? Where do THEY live and shine and breathe and say Screw it, I don’t care what you think. Where are they to draw their OWN lines, make their OWN decisions, find, somewhere in a world that feels so far out of their control the ability to chart THEIR OWN course?
Where do they get to stop pleasing and be pleased?
Stop worrying and be worried about?
Stop defending and be defended?
I know they will change the world.
I know that they already are.
But in this moment, it’s too much.
My heart is breaking.
These kids – these amazing little people – carry the weight of the world on their far too fragile shoulders.